So, the Aslylum has been AWESOME lately by sending along movies for me to review, but I have been HORRIBLE at keeping up due to life issues… Yep, a Zobmieking with life issues, who knew? Anyway, I decided that in order to make a dent in some of the films piking up on my desk I’d do a two-fer. What better films to review than ’2012 Zombie Apocalypse’ and the ever realistic, ’2-Headed Shark Attack’! Let’s get things rolling (SPOILERS AHEAD):
2-Headed Shark Attack
Director: Christopher Ray
Synopsis: Survivors escape to a deserted atoll after a Semester at Sea ship is sunk by a mutated two-headed shark. But when the atoll starts flooding, no one is safe from the double jaws of the monster.
Ok, so lemme tell you right off…. this movie SHOULD stink on ice, but it’s actually fun as hell! There are some issues, but really, when you put in a movie called 2-Headed Shark Attack, what the fuck do you expect? Let me tell you about the film.
THE GOOD: It’s goofy fun, the teens are all pretty enough to watch frolic in the surf, AND THERE IS A 2-HEADED SHARK IN IT!!! I also love how they don’t really explain why it is there. Awesome!
THE BAD: Part of me will love Carmen Electra forever (And I’m pretty sure you all know which part I mean), but as much as she is an attractive woman, she needs to stop dressing like a 20 year old. Her Bikini scene is very uncomfortable (and too long) to watch, it’s as almost as if you can hear her inner dialogue telling her to suck it in, stretch out so she can hide her flaws. Don’t get me wrong, she’s still hot… but this was just…awkward. Brooke Hogan is not an actress… yet, she will need some work but she really wasn’t bad in this, at least not as bad as Charlie O’Connell as a professor? Hello, casting? Seriously? This guy as a teacher is as believable as Keanu as a brain surgeon. Just…no.
ZOMBIEKING’S SOUNDBITE: ’2-Headed Shark Attack is a double feature all on it’s own, fun as hell!’
2012 ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE
Director: Nick Lyon
I always get excited when I see an envelope from the Asylum, it’s like a little surprise every time it happens. When I opened this one, I literally spat out ‘FINALLY!’. I’ve been dying to see what they could do with a Zombie story. I wasn’t disappointed. Weeeeeelllll that’s not entirely true, but the flaws in the film do not outweigh the fact that the Asylum is getting pretty damn good these days. Take a peek at the trailer:
Synopsis: Months after a zombie plague has wiped out 90 percent of the American population, a small group of survivors fight their way cross-country to a rumored refuge on the island of Catalina.
THE GOOD: Ving fucking Rhames! Ving is really decent in a zombie movie, and he doesn’t disappoint here. I also loved seeing Eddie Steeples (Crabman) in this. I just wanted more of his character to show through. The makeup effects are pretty good, but they might have been a big ‘CG’ heavy. The story is EASILY set up for a sequel (HINT, HINT)
THE BAD: If you are going to make a character an ‘expert’ in swords… make sure she looks like she actually picked one up once in her life… Lesley-Ann Brandt, while pretty, comes off as the worst sword expert in history. Her ineptness in the stunt department made me laugh out loud. Again, I think this was more castings fault, but it sure makes the actress look bad. To that point, Taryn Manning looks like she’s asleep through the picture… I get that it’s a silly zombie movie, but dammit girl, we want to see you kicking some ass and treating your fans, not to watch you nap. Sorry, but she’s so good in other films, this just had a ‘give me the paycheck’ vibe to it. I felt let down. The script… has a few truck sized holes in it… not like any other zombie film, but never clearly establishing that the virus can be caught by animals, and all of a sudden zombie tigers?!?! What in the blue fuck??? A simple mention of this while the survivors were walking after the dog attack could have established this EASILY, so this was just poor scripting.
ZOMBIEKING’S SOUNDBITE: ‘Zombie Apocalypse is a solid addition to the good zombie films out today, let the asylum lock you up for a couple hours, you won’t regret it!’
So, with all that, what do I think of these films? They both have flaws, and they both have bonuses… with that in mind, overall I have to say they are BOTH:
Get a few friends and a few drinks… (maybe a few extra drinks if you’re uptight) and have some fun watching these offerings.
Ok, I really have no idea why I’m even posting on this except for the SHEER camp value it has. I mean, it covers cult/scifi so I guess it is post worthy, but there is so much more… Former WWE performer (as Vampire sexpot ‘Ariel‘) Shelly Martinez has entered the online webisode world with her super campy heroine … Sprinkles? Yeah, …’Sprinkles’. Seriously. I have no idea what her super powers are, but I sure hope it’s not related to her name… Regardless of the obvious uh… ‘assets’ she possesses, (oh, and they ARE obvious) the series seems to smack of the tongue and cheek (no pun intended) attitude of ‘Barb Wire’ or ‘Stripperella’. Check out the teaser:
And it that’s not enough, here is the first ‘episode’ of the series: ‘The Mighty Mermen from Mars ‘
At first I was all… “What in the rotting left ball fuck am I watching here?!?!?!?” and you all know that I’ll watch just about anything… and before I knew it, I was just laughing at the sheer campiness and fun that went into it. I’m endorsing it not because of the boobs… (well, not entirely at least) but because of the spirit, I’m looking forward to where this is going! Good luck Shelly and company!
I’m ‘the Zombieking’ and this topic is now DEAD to me!
Ok… time for a lil’ slice o’ Zombieking wisdom…and opinion…and bullshit. (always with the bullshit…)
As you can see from our interviews- I like Art. It’s probably because I suck at it so bad, but I admire the ability to create. In that ability, I usually get flabbergasted and honored that so many artists take the time to even put up a special something for us, the Zombieinfo.com reader. I mean- take a look at the GALLERY to see what I mean…
Art comes in many forms however, and I recently pointed to some (and here comes the Zombieking quote) “Fucking wicked-cool” stuff, I’m talking about Grunge Geek Design… I mean take a look at the intro I got from her:
“I wanted to introduce my website as something that your readers might be interested in. I am an artist specializing in anatomy, Gothic, mourning and gory themes. I work with antique surgical tools, cameos and grunge techniques. “ (ZK- As a side note: I have NO idea what any of this actually means…but I like it.)
She continues: “As an eCommerce director by trade I realized that learning some graphic design would greatly help me in my work. I wasn’t expecting it to allow me to release my creativity. Mixing graphic design elements with hands on arts I was able to create some morbid pieces.”
Ok, so what does this say to me…? I’ll tell you (and you knew that I would): This person was simply saying to themselves, I’m gonna fuck around with some web stuff…and HOLY FUCK! I’m creating something!!! (Sound like anyone we know?) Take a look at her bio from her site: LINK HERE
The difference is that while everyone can create stuff… hers is fucking AWESOME.
But oh no… she’s not content to just do that one trick, she does collages, AND Jewelry! I’m sure that there are more ideas in that head of hers… and I have to say I’m stoked to see them develop.
I will also go on record that THIS is the coolest necklace I’ve ever seen.
I’d even wear it, although I’m gonna walk around a while before any scientist gets a hold of the King… but it’s a pretty damn cool way to make sure you get where you’re going… Maybe I could get a custom “ When I stop walking, I bequeath my body to Science” one… who knows. Anyway- get over there and take a look at her stuff, it’s cool and therefore ZK approved.
Oh…the Asylum. I so want to love you, with your awesome SyFy movies like Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus…and Mega Piranha… I love your ‘Balls out’ approach when it comes to making a movie that sounds like another movie, like Snakes on a Train, or Battle OF Los Angeles… I just WANT to love you and the crazy shit you do… that’s why I was SUPER excited when I got home to see a small DVD sized package awaiting me. My hands trembled…could this be one of the insane ‘Giant animal’ movies we just don’t get to see easily up here in Canada?!?!? Oh! Maybe it’s the heavily anticipated release of ‘Mega Python vs. Gatoroid’ match up…featuring pop icons Tiffany and Deborah Gibson? Why don’t you guys make ‘Mega Gibson vs. Super Koala!’ or…something, that’d be AWESOME! I ripped the package open… so EXCITED!!!
… aw fuck. It’s an exorcist movie.
Ok, let me explain: I love horror, but I kind of like my horror grounded in some kind of reality, even far fetched reality, and I realize that zombies and aliens and killers from beyond the grave aren’t exactly reality…but I know it’s a movie. Exorcism seem to me to be all made up shit…it’s always some girl, and somehow it’s always possessed by the devil… I doubt that is made up to get attention like some little princess… oh no, that HAS to be real….fuuuuuuuck. but I digress- this is a movie review, not a rant: So when I get something that is purported to be ‘real’ …feh. Putting all that aside, I just don’t normally like movies based on exorcism. Sorry, but I just don’t. I could give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut that some chick can pee on herself and swear and rip her clothes off and grunt and groan like some caged animal…and …hey, wait a minute, this should exactly like a movie I WOULD like! But then I remember, oh yeah…and exorcist movie. Well, fuck it, let me throw it in the DVD player and see what’s what…
I can’t say I liked it… but then again, I am not a good judge of an exorcist movie because I generally don’t like them anyway (with the exception being ‘the Exorcist’ itself).
Those that are really ‘into’ that whole thing may find some merit in this ‘film’ but really it doesn’t hold my interest because it’s really just a bunch of talking inter cut with scenes of the possessed little girl (who is old enough to rip off her clothes it seems…I kinda liked THAT part) Otherwise all the interesting and not interesting parts…kind of drag. Now, if all of a sudden ‘Giganta Tiffany’ kicked in the wall and took on the devil… NOW we’d have a movie! Sequel perhaps?
I think regular readers of the site know of my love for the cheesy fun horror I like at times, and that I have love promoting your craziness to the masses even though we don’t get SyFy here in Canada, and have to wait to get your films.
The Asylum… I feel like this review might just be like ‘farting in front of the cheerleader’. Will we ever get a chance to try again? I hope so…
In keeping with my new ‘rating system’ I’m gonna have to say ‘Meh’. Somebody might like it, just not me.
Now, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, zombieinfo.com can’t be the only zombie/horror/cult/scifi site out there… Cause if it was I’d be bored…and tired…maybe a lil’ sleepy… but I digress. As the Zombieking, I feel it’s my duty to weed through the chaff out there and only bring you the best stuff I can find… or at least that stuff that makes me giggle… this time I have found a pretty gad-damn comprehensive site: Zombie Affliction
This site has a metric fuck-ton of goodies on it from Forums, pics and links to cool stuff… there is a TON of stuff still being developed but it’s definitely worth checking out… when you’re done with your regular dose of Zombieinfo.com that is…
Anyway, the horror community is a really supportive bunch- so if you ever find a cool spot that you think I should promote others to go check out, hit the contact page and let me know!
I’m the Zombieking, and this topic is now DEAD to me…
