Yep… I’m back!
This time I am giving you a sneak peek at Warner Brothers latest horror offering ‘The Conjuring’ which follows the a case of real-life paranormal investigators Ed and Lorraine Warren who were known for investigating over 10,000 cases of haunting during their career. This would include the infamous ‘Amityville Horror’ case as well.
The Conjuring is about a case that focuses on a family in 1968 in Harrisville, Rhode Island. Vera Farmiga and Patrick Wilson star as the Warrens, and their performance is fantastic…playing off of one another in an almost perfect way… you almost believe that they are really the Warrens. Then there is the family… guh.
The Perrons are played by Ron Livingston as Roger Perron who was the loving, concerned and slightly skeptical father of his 5 girls…yeah, that’s right FIVE: (Mackenzie Foy as) Cynthia Perron, (Joey King as) Christine Perron, (Hayley McFarland as) Nancy Perron, (Shanley Caswell as) Andrea Perron, and (Kyla Deaver as) April Perron… and then there is the mother… Lili Taylor as Carolyn Perron. I am sorry , you could NOT convince me to have 5 fucking kids with Lili Taylor, no way. Lili Taylor is (in my opinion) one of the absolute, WORST actors to choose for this role. She is constantly unlikable in almost every role she is in (look at the remake of the Haunting to get another look at Lili and the ghosts if you dare) and I do not buy her as a loving mother and unfortunately, she is given a lot of screen time due to the nature of the story, which I won’t divulge since the film isn’t out until Friday. If it weren’t for Vera Farmiga and Patrick Wilson’s performances as the Warrens, this movie would have been ruined by Lili Taylor for me (which wouldn’t be the first time she has done that). What about the hype… is it the ‘Scariest film ever made’ as the advertising would have us believe? Fuck no. But I will say this: It is creepy as fuck.
This is the kind of film that blends the ‘slow burn’ scare and peppers it enough jump scares to keep it going without relying on too many jumps. Overall it is well done, and therefore:
The Conjuring hits theatres this Friday, July 19th.
So, I have to admit that I did not know how long I would be down with my recent computer troubles, so I enlisted some help to get through some of the movie reviews… so I brought in a guest reviewer, and he was not happy. I hope he helps me out in the future, but who knows… HA!
On to the review:
ALIEN ORIGIN from the B-Boys at The Asylum.
Spoiler Alert: this so-called found footage documentary sucks.
First off, let me give props to the editors for attempting to make something out of the cheap footage they had to work with. On with the review.
As an ancient alien enthusiast I probably had more reason than most to watch this flick, and ultimately all the more personal reason to hate it in the end. (By the way, I only made it to the end in order to give it the full review).
As I suspected after the trailer-like intro to the piece, there was going to be no explanation regarding the origin of anything except how the footage came to be recorded by a female documentarian, who for some reason at one point does an impersonation of a reporter for the camera, and her two cameramen while they accompany a small group of soldiers into the jungles of Belize. I won’t even start on how ridiculous these so-called soldiers are – it’s a movie so let’s just roll with it.
Wait, we can’t.
The problem here is that found footage films rely on one basic principle to sell their story: they’re supposedly real. But too quickly does this excuse to cash in on the caught-on-tape craze fall down. The first of the Blair Witch scene-steals has the cameras capturing a “visit” during the night by “something” and we see snippets of the footage, but when the crew wakes up in the morning the cameras that captured that footage have been taken by the “visitor”. The obvious question here is, you guessed it, how are we seeing footage from cameras that were taken away from the crew?
And it continues to go down river from there.
A nice money-saving, but audience-losing, device employed by the producers here was fucking up every single frame with anything alien – or action – in it to the point where it was nothing but dropped frames, glitches, sound effects and noise. Scary? Of course not. Interesting? Not at all. Annoying beyond tolerable levels? Very much so. All the footage of the cast walking and talking is in good shape though, so that’s something.
There is one outstanding thing about this flick: if you’re looking for something on Netflix to fall asleep to this one will put you out fast. Even for a found footage film, this flick is boring. That is all. The end. Cut to black.
Wait!!! Review tack on (just like the film tacks on the last thirty second scene): They finally explain the “origin” of the supposed aliens!!! A producer of the flick must have noticed that nothing had been explained before the end because it’s explained with a b-roll shot of two cast members whose faces we can’t see and two new voices badly recorded in someone’s kitchen dubbed in over top. And the explanation for everything? Well I don’t want to ruin the movie for you.
I guess that says it all, in good conscience, I can’t get behind this one:
If you really ‘got to have it’ though, don’t say I didn’t warn you…you can get it HERE:
So, the Aslylum has been AWESOME lately by sending along movies for me to review, but I have been HORRIBLE at keeping up due to life issues… Yep, a Zobmieking with life issues, who knew? Anyway, I decided that in order to make a dent in some of the films piking up on my desk I’d do a two-fer. What better films to review than ’2012 Zombie Apocalypse’ and the ever realistic, ’2-Headed Shark Attack’! Let’s get things rolling (SPOILERS AHEAD):
2-Headed Shark Attack
Director: Christopher Ray
Synopsis: Survivors escape to a deserted atoll after a Semester at Sea ship is sunk by a mutated two-headed shark. But when the atoll starts flooding, no one is safe from the double jaws of the monster.
Ok, so lemme tell you right off…. this movie SHOULD stink on ice, but it’s actually fun as hell! There are some issues, but really, when you put in a movie called 2-Headed Shark Attack, what the fuck do you expect? Let me tell you about the film.
THE GOOD: It’s goofy fun, the teens are all pretty enough to watch frolic in the surf, AND THERE IS A 2-HEADED SHARK IN IT!!! I also love how they don’t really explain why it is there. Awesome!
THE BAD: Part of me will love Carmen Electra forever (And I’m pretty sure you all know which part I mean), but as much as she is an attractive woman, she needs to stop dressing like a 20 year old. Her Bikini scene is very uncomfortable (and too long) to watch, it’s as almost as if you can hear her inner dialogue telling her to suck it in, stretch out so she can hide her flaws. Don’t get me wrong, she’s still hot… but this was just…awkward. Brooke Hogan is not an actress… yet, she will need some work but she really wasn’t bad in this, at least not as bad as Charlie O’Connell as a professor? Hello, casting? Seriously? This guy as a teacher is as believable as Keanu as a brain surgeon. Just…no.
ZOMBIEKING’S SOUNDBITE: ’2-Headed Shark Attack is a double feature all on it’s own, fun as hell!’
2012 ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE
Director: Nick Lyon
I always get excited when I see an envelope from the Asylum, it’s like a little surprise every time it happens. When I opened this one, I literally spat out ‘FINALLY!’. I’ve been dying to see what they could do with a Zombie story. I wasn’t disappointed. Weeeeeelllll that’s not entirely true, but the flaws in the film do not outweigh the fact that the Asylum is getting pretty damn good these days. Take a peek at the trailer:
Synopsis: Months after a zombie plague has wiped out 90 percent of the American population, a small group of survivors fight their way cross-country to a rumored refuge on the island of Catalina.
THE GOOD: Ving fucking Rhames! Ving is really decent in a zombie movie, and he doesn’t disappoint here. I also loved seeing Eddie Steeples (Crabman) in this. I just wanted more of his character to show through. The makeup effects are pretty good, but they might have been a big ‘CG’ heavy. The story is EASILY set up for a sequel (HINT, HINT)
THE BAD: If you are going to make a character an ‘expert’ in swords… make sure she looks like she actually picked one up once in her life… Lesley-Ann Brandt, while pretty, comes off as the worst sword expert in history. Her ineptness in the stunt department made me laugh out loud. Again, I think this was more castings fault, but it sure makes the actress look bad. To that point, Taryn Manning looks like she’s asleep through the picture… I get that it’s a silly zombie movie, but dammit girl, we want to see you kicking some ass and treating your fans, not to watch you nap. Sorry, but she’s so good in other films, this just had a ‘give me the paycheck’ vibe to it. I felt let down. The script… has a few truck sized holes in it… not like any other zombie film, but never clearly establishing that the virus can be caught by animals, and all of a sudden zombie tigers?!?! What in the blue fuck??? A simple mention of this while the survivors were walking after the dog attack could have established this EASILY, so this was just poor scripting.
ZOMBIEKING’S SOUNDBITE: ‘Zombie Apocalypse is a solid addition to the good zombie films out today, let the asylum lock you up for a couple hours, you won’t regret it!’
So, with all that, what do I think of these films? They both have flaws, and they both have bonuses… with that in mind, overall I have to say they are BOTH:
Get a few friends and a few drinks… (maybe a few extra drinks if you’re uptight) and have some fun watching these offerings.
Ok, I really have no idea why I’m even posting on this except for the SHEER camp value it has. I mean, it covers cult/scifi so I guess it is post worthy, but there is so much more… Former WWE performer (as Vampire sexpot ‘Ariel‘) Shelly Martinez has entered the online webisode world with her super campy heroine … Sprinkles? Yeah, …’Sprinkles’. Seriously. I have no idea what her super powers are, but I sure hope it’s not related to her name… Regardless of the obvious uh… ‘assets’ she possesses, (oh, and they ARE obvious) the series seems to smack of the tongue and cheek (no pun intended) attitude of ‘Barb Wire’ or ‘Stripperella’. Check out the teaser:
And it that’s not enough, here is the first ‘episode’ of the series: ‘The Mighty Mermen from Mars ‘
At first I was all… “What in the rotting left ball fuck am I watching here?!?!?!?” and you all know that I’ll watch just about anything… and before I knew it, I was just laughing at the sheer campiness and fun that went into it. I’m endorsing it not because of the boobs… (well, not entirely at least) but because of the spirit, I’m looking forward to where this is going! Good luck Shelly and company!
I’m ‘the Zombieking’ and this topic is now DEAD to me!
Ok… time for a lil’ slice o’ Zombieking wisdom…and opinion…and bullshit. (always with the bullshit…)
As you can see from our interviews- I like Art. It’s probably because I suck at it so bad, but I admire the ability to create. In that ability, I usually get flabbergasted and honored that so many artists take the time to even put up a special something for us, the Zombieinfo.com reader. I mean- take a look at the GALLERY to see what I mean…
Art comes in many forms however, and I recently pointed to some (and here comes the Zombieking quote) “Fucking wicked-cool” stuff, I’m talking about Grunge Geek Design… I mean take a look at the intro I got from her:
“I wanted to introduce my website as something that your readers might be interested in. I am an artist specializing in anatomy, Gothic, mourning and gory themes. I work with antique surgical tools, cameos and grunge techniques. “ (ZK- As a side note: I have NO idea what any of this actually means…but I like it.)
She continues: “As an eCommerce director by trade I realized that learning some graphic design would greatly help me in my work. I wasn’t expecting it to allow me to release my creativity. Mixing graphic design elements with hands on arts I was able to create some morbid pieces.”
Ok, so what does this say to me…? I’ll tell you (and you knew that I would): This person was simply saying to themselves, I’m gonna fuck around with some web stuff…and HOLY FUCK! I’m creating something!!! (Sound like anyone we know?) Take a look at her bio from her site: LINK HERE
The difference is that while everyone can create stuff… hers is fucking AWESOME.
But oh no… she’s not content to just do that one trick, she does collages, AND Jewelry! I’m sure that there are more ideas in that head of hers… and I have to say I’m stoked to see them develop.
I will also go on record that THIS is the coolest necklace I’ve ever seen.
I’d even wear it, although I’m gonna walk around a while before any scientist gets a hold of the King… but it’s a pretty damn cool way to make sure you get where you’re going… Maybe I could get a custom “ When I stop walking, I bequeath my body to Science” one… who knows. Anyway- get over there and take a look at her stuff, it’s cool and therefore ZK approved.