Now, before I get all ‘up in his grill’ I decided to read the comments in his blog, and the Mayfair was represented… while this was a well thought out debate in which I had no part in…I felt I had to post a response…in case it doesn’t get posted (it has to be approved by the admin) I though I’d post it here…
I realize this is not my usual ‘IN YOUR FACE’ kind of RANT post, in fact I even considered not posting it here, because it really has nothing to do with me, but I took exception to the stance that Mr. Latour takes on my beloved zombies (“Murder, gore, bloodshed and cannibalism only begins to describe the kind of ‘entertainment’ that was being offered.”) … and I think that it’s a really interesting situation even though I don’t believe in the same things Mr. Latour does. Anyway here was my response. It will be interesting to see how this all plays out.
Just thought I’d chime in here, as a patron of the most excellent Mayfair Theatre, and the proprietor of zombieinfo.com I felt it was important to weigh in here.
First off to Paul Latour: I think what you do, which is driven by your beliefs is admirable, however the approach is a bit short sighted.
Your love for God and the word is obviously strong and your intentions are in the right place (I believe) so offering criticism is a hard thing for me to do as your strength and conviction are obvious in the video. I personally think differently, and do not share your views, however I DO believe in your right to express them. This brings me to my point: Those who want to hear the word certainly have the right to do so…in the proper context and environment, because those who do NOT wish to hear your message ALSO have the right to do so. Your proximity and essentially your ‘captive’ audience offered those persons with no interest no choice. The one thing God did give us is free will, which should allow for the option to choose to hear your words. Your passion for the topic and drive to spread the word may have blinded you from this fact.
To the Mayfair: Your actions in not having Mr Latour arrested were admirable, and offering the proper guidelines for protest quite open. Bravo for not stooping to a mud-slinging position. Encouraging open debate and proper protest is a healthy way for both sides to benefit from this situation.
Finally, the movie in question is a classic which myself and millions of others enjoy as such. If God created us, then he created the ability to entertain and for us to essentially share those God given gifts with our peers, so really this particular piece of art created by George A. Romero is really an indirect gift from God. Who are we to deny this gift? Belief is a strange and fickle thing, because it suffers from the human condition, but if God really created all- then he created this too. Saying it’s wrong is essentially arguing with God- and I thought that God is infallible… I think I’ve said enough at this point. I wish you all well in your endeavors.
I’m the Zombieking… and this topic is DEAD to me now.
Been a while since I did a rant, and while I would classify this more as an ‘informative reality check’ … there’s swearing etc in it. so I guess I’ll file it as a ‘rant’.
Here’s the disclaimer:
Disclaimer: This is intended as my opinion only, if you disagree…I don’t care. In fact I care less than that, but there is no way to properly articulate this in English or any other known language. There may be harsh language and direct opinion that will clash with your own…please see the previous notation. (The one where I don’t care…) If you still wish to proceed, do so at your own risk, otherwise- Piss off.
Ok, so let’s assume that Z-Day has happened, and you and some other people are holed up somewhere. We will assume it’s a Mall since everyone already knows this situation…
How does your life change? Well it depends, what skills do you bring to the table from your pre-Z-Day life? If you were a technical worker…I’m not guessing too much since the internet and much of the worlds computer systems will die off soon after the initial outbreak- at best you can gather info before the full impact, but after that- you’re screwed. Were you a road worker? Not too many roads to build NOW are there? Now… if you were a Doctor, well you’ve got it made, or a Military or Police officer with weapon skills, a Hairdresser even brings something useful to the table (although I think I’d just shave mine off: zombies can’t grab bald).
If you don’t have any ‘real skills’ you better be hot and willing to do that thing with your tongue (NSFW link)… you know the one. You better HOPE that someone with some skills will take care of you and you better start learning some quick: otherwise the zombies are gonna do that OTHER thing… with their teeth. So if you have no work skills you can contribute…what about your hobbies? I (for example) love to cook…especially BBQ. Since fire won’t really go away it looks like I have a niche. (that… and my OBVIOUS skills in being AWESOME).
Obviously everyone who is around in your mall needs to pool their knowledge and skills, so that might be a change in your life if you are used to working alone, or just hate being around dumb asses. With no real ‘Law’ it will be hard to not just shoot somebody for being stupid, I know I have that issue now… but think about it: There are NO police anymore, just a basic ‘Don’t Be a Dick’ kind of underlying overall attitude. I can safely say that if someone shows up in MY mall, all hysterical and freaking out saying dumb ass shit like “What are those things?” and “God is punishing us!” …I’m going on a killing spree. Oh yeah, I’m not gonna put up with that kind of crap at all. I can’t fix stupid so I’d rather stupid not take a portion of my scavenged food. Even IF it does that thing with its tongue. Yeah, you know the one.
Day to day life will obviously be different, unless you are scavenging outside the mall; you will most likely be checking the security of your living space, or learning new skills from the others. The biggest factor in all of this is that ‘post Z-day’… we aren’t the top of the food chain anymore. The average person’s life is pretty typical: Get up, live life, go to sleep. After Z-day, since we are no longer the top of the food chain… it’s get up, live life while trying to avoid getting eaten, go to sleep. It’s still pretty basic, but with a twist. And hey, what IF the zompocalypse actually affects the animal kingdom? We drop even farther down the food chain, I see it like this:
2- Zombie Sharks/Killer whales (especially if they have laserbeams – see below)
3- Zombie larger land mammals, yeah even the cows… Imagine the irony when the steak eats YOU!
5- Like… fish and birds and crap…
7- Vegetarians (They’re grain fed, so they’re food!) You KNOW those fuckers will be cheering the Zombie cows on.
8- Carrot Top- yeah, even Zombies won’t touch him.
Now, I’m not suggesting you go all ‘survival camp training’ now… but it might not be a bad idea to have an idea of what to do if crap goes south. I’m just sayin… the Boy Scouts might have been right: Be Prepared. And stay away from my mall…especially YOU Carrot Top, you freak me the fuck out!
I’m the Zombieking… and this topic is not DEAD to me!
Ok, so a LOT has been said on the whole Fast vs. Slow zombie thing. I’m here to set the record straight: Zombies are (by large) SLOW. Why? Because they are DEAD. Now, I actually agree that if a person dies suddenly, then comes back as a zombie before rigor mortis sets in (which by the way is about 3 hours after the body dies, peaking at 12 hours, and lasts about 72 hours) that they would be a LITTLE more spry, however after that 3 hour period they would be essentially unable to do much more than shamble or lunge a bit faster when prey is around. No running shoe commercials in their future. So the overall answer is (in my opinion) BOTH, but by in large… slow. In the spirit of this proclamation, I’d like to give you the top 5 Fast, and later in the week, the top 5 Slow zombie movies (according to me… ‘the Zombieking’, so who are YOU gonna trust?)
Oh… and don’t start any shit about 28 days later or Pontypool… they ain’t zombies… and if you aren’t clear on that, read THIS.
Top 5 Fast Zombie movies/series:
For a Dead Set preview you need to click HERE (the embedding was disabled)
#5: TIE!: Versus and Dead Set- Yeah, I now it’s lame to do a tie…but try as I might I just couldn’t leave either off the list. Versus features the dead DOING KUNG FU!!! If that isn’t fast, then I don’t know what is. Dead Set is probably the best television series to hit the box in the past 10 years. It’s a 5 part series that is a blend of reality TV (Big Brother), zombies destroying the world and the survivors that try to cope with what’s left. When the Brits do a series, they do it up right! Too bad this would never make it onto North American television, but that’s what DVD is for!
#4: Dead Alive- This piece of genius comes from that Peter Jackson guy from new Zealand. He went on to make some other films too, something about a ring and a big monkey…whatever. THIS movie has 2 of the greatest things in the world: #1 “I kick ass…FOR THE LORD!” and #2 taking out a room full of zombies with a lawnmower. I’ll let that soak in for a sec… A LAWNMOWER!!!
#3: Dawn of the Dead (2004 Remake)- We all know this one, Zack Snyder proved that fast zombies can work…IF you don’t show them too often, by his own admission it was better to build the fear by doing quick cuts and showing them in flashes…he was right.
#2: Zombieland- Yep, I realize it just came out this year… but this film has a high rank for the simple fact that it has the perfect blend of action, comedy, and horror… the zombies are a credible threat whenever they appear. It is just too damn short…
#1: Return of the Living Dead (1-3 only though)- the originator of the fast zombie… also the originator of the ‘Brrrrraaaaiiinnnssss’ thing. Shit…these things even TALK! I both love and hate the movie for this. It’s funny, has great music, it’s scary and has probably the hottest dance sequence featured in a graveyard. Yeah, I said it… DANCE SEQUENCE! It’s too bad they drove the franchise into the ground after part 3.
LOOK FOR ‘Lists Part 2′ later this week to check what I think the best 5 SLOW Zombie flicks are…
Yeah, I said it. Well, maybe he’s not actually EVIL…but what he does to film sure as shit is. Why am I writing about this? Well- this is actually a reprint from an old rant I did on him in another site… and I was getting questions as to why ‘Uwe Boll’ is the lowest marks on both my horror and zombie movie rating scale…why write it twice when I said it so well the first time? Without further ado, the infamous Uwe Boll rant.
WARNING- I get a little ‘harsh’ in this rant, but I just can’t help it. I hate this douche.
For those of you ‘in the know’, Uwe Boll is a Director, Writer and Producer. His film credits (as a director according to imdb.com) are listed as:
# Blackout – The Film (2010) (in production)
# BloodRayne 3: Warhammer (2010) (in production) ***
# Zombie Massacre (2010) (in production) ***
# Max Schmeling (2010) (post-production)
# Darfur (2009) (completed)
# Final Storm (2009) (completed)
# Rampage (2009/II)
# Stoic (2009)
# Far Cry (2008) (pre-production)***
# Postal (2007) (pre-production)***
# Seed (2007) (pre-production)
# In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007) ***
# BloodRayne (2005) ***
# Alone in the Dark (2005) ***
# House of the Dead (2003) ***
# Heart of America (2003)
# Blackwoods (2002)
# Erste Semester, Das (1997)
# Amoklauf (1994)
# Barschel – Mord in Genf? (1993)
# German Fired Movie (1991)
You will note the ‘***’ marks, these are movies (and I use the term lightly) based off of video games. He bought the rights to a bunch of video games so he could make all these movies, but no one checked if he could ACTUALLY make a good movie. Now, video games make for some good ‘popcorn’ movies, like Mortal Kombat, Doom, Silent Hill, Mario Brothers (if only for Dennis Hopper as a Dinosaur), Street Fighter…ok, scratch that last one, but what I’m saying is that there are fertile stories there to adapt to film. Now, here comes Uwe Boll, in 2003 with one of the most anticipated video game to screen adaptations yet- House of the Dead.
Now, I must pause here to explain something. I love movies, I love good and bad movies, pretty much in any genre, from indie to professional. From great writing and directing, to absolute ‘B’ list crap… and above all: I love Zombie movies.
I love pretty much every damn one of them. I own TONS of different ones on DVD, I have memorabilia, I have acted in a zombie inspired short, and even made it onto the extras list when George A. Romero was shooting ‘Land of the Dead’ in Toronto (sadly I was not called in, but I ACTUALLY made the extras list, which is still pretty cool). It’s safe to say that:
1- I know Zombies (I am ‘the Zombieking’ after all…)
2- I love even crappy movies about Zombies
3- I like tongue in cheek style ‘bad’ movies
I now go on record: House of the Dead is the ABSOLUTE worst piece of fucking trash that I’ve EVER seen. It is worse than cancer, it is worse than eating brussell sprouts as a kid, it is worse than ‘swamp ass’. As far as films go, it is even worse than Batman & Robin (which was my previous winner of ‘worst movie…ever’.) If hatred was a solid, (say, in silly putty form) in reference to this film, mine would fill the Grand Canyon …
Even tits don’t help this crapfest, and tits are great in ANY movie. (Are you taking notes Hollywood?) I have gone so far as to warn people to just not see this, this… thing and I usually always believe in ‘seeing it for yourself’ since most critics are biased. Really, if you have never seen it, you just don’t want to. It is so actually bad, you can’t even poke fun at it. Here is the kicker…Uwe Boll actually thinks it’s good. So good in fact, that he released it TWICE (once as a ‘funny’ edit, no…really see the shittastic pic below!). His movies have not improved very much from this particular load.
He truly believes that everyone who bashes him is doing so just to be clever, (I know I feel clever) that his movies are just getting ripped because people are picking on him. This is a series of actual direct quotes from interviews from this … idiot, taken from a European gaming site that was ‘lucky’ enough to interview him.
***”The dangerous thing right now is that a lot of people bash me without thinking about the movies. It’s fashionable to hit on Uwe Boll, and this is what I don’t get. And I don’t get why this comes so harshly from the games press,” Boll says.***
NEWS FLASH FUCKWAD… I thought about the movies, you didn’t. This is painfully obvious. By the way, culottes are fashionable, a jaunty-angled chapeau is fashionable, a kilt is fashionable… hitting on Uwe Boll (or talking in 3rd person) is NOT ‘fashionable’ you idiot. I’m not games press… I’m just a guy who hates your work, tool. You owe me 12 dollars, and the time out of my life that I can never get back.
He goes on to say:
***The problem, he explains, is that “Tons of journalists, including you, have nothing else to do than to follow the Internet voices of one or two thousand people. Only half of those people have seen my movies, and only two per cent of those people have seen my movies before House of the Dead.”***
Yeah, it was because you were (and seemingly still are) small time. I never saw the mega hit ‘Blackwoods’ (wasn’t that up for an Oscar??? ) and I doubt I will, knowing your current work. According to your math, 2 thousand divided by half, and then only 2 percent of that… so only 20 people have actually seen your movies before House of the Dead??? How do you get work? You must be able to swallow a pole vault staff!
I’m glad to know I’m joining the thousand or 2 on the internet that has such sway over the entire press. Better watch out or we’ll use our massive power to create ‘Jedi’ as a valid religion. (I guess my sarcasm mode off switch doesn’t work…) He then fires off this gem:
***”When I try to get videogames turned into movies, and get videogames accepted as [the equivalent of] best-selling books for the younger generation, I get only sh** from the videogames press – what an asshole I am, what a criminal I am for doing these movies, whatever, instead of being happy that there’s a movie getting made of a game. This is what’s confusing me.”***
Wow… just.. wow. Human stupidity amazes me. He thinks he’s the video game Jesus! This is quite possibly the most arrogant prick I’ve ever had the displeasure to come in contact with via his work…I doubt I could contain myself in his actual presence. So, he’s saying I should just be happy that there is a rotten adaptation to a game I love, and just take it? How about this, how about I shit into a pie crust, and feed it to you, and you just are happy you are getting something to eat. How does that grab ya? Huh? At least you got this quote right: “what an asshole I am”.
Fuck Uwe Boll, he gets to stay on the bottom of my shit list for good… even if he saves a kitten from a burning tree and is given the Nobel peace prize…fuck that guy. Oh, and I’m not alone in hating him…I know…Aside from a passing mention or reference to this explanation as to why I hate this guy, this should be the last mention of this asshole on this site. You’re welcome.
I’m ‘the Zombieking’ and this topic is now DEAD to me…
WARNING- there’s gonna be some harsh language… as if you didn’t know. And if you like Vampires that stink of hair care products and body glitter then you may want to give this one a pass.
When did they fuck up the vampire? Seriously, I turn on the TV and my stomach instantly does a 180 trying to keep in the bile… the Vampire Diaries??? WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!? I realize that to really pin down where we went from “I vant to suck your blud!” to “Can I borrow your gel before we go into the big dance at the high school!” we have to go back…way back, back into time…
There have always been dark dealings in print, movies and television, and the vampire is no stranger to any of these mediums. Just like zombies over time that seem to have gone from voodoo controlled servants…to the flesh eating shambling dead and then to the nike sponsored sprinters we have seen as of late, the vampire has …ugh, ‘evolved’. Today’s vampire seems to walk around in the daylight, sparkle and go to high school??!?!?! I can tell you this: any vampire that glitters, I ain’t afraid of.
Back in 1909 Vampires first graced the screen in a silent film called ‘Vampire of the Coast’ . The films never stopped coming, in fact if you look at the core of the vampire myth, Dracula; there have been over 170 film representations of the lord of the vampires in film alone let alone how many times in books, comics and television. The ‘core’ of the vampire myth has always held the following truths: Vampires can’t walk in daylight; they can be killed by either destroying/piercing the heart or decapitation.
Other loosely held standards include: Aversion to: Crosses, Holy water, Garlic, Crosses plus Faith, Silver, Running water, having to be invited in by the master of the household, killing the ‘head’ vampire will turn all of it’s sires back to human IF they have not yet killed, and so on…
Now having all of this rich and diverse mythos, you would think that something as simple as the standard, sunlight… could stay as an untouchable, right??? WRONG!!! Now, don’t get me wrong, I thought the movie ‘Sundown: the Vampire in Retreat’ was fun with its sun cream wearing vampires… but that was a comedy. Nowadays the vampires can almost go to the beach??? What the fuck… really?!?!?! You know I’m talking about the Twilight and Vampire diaries ‘vampires’.
Let me be clear: I like that fact that Twilight is: written by a female author, was developed by a female screenwriter and has had all box office records beaten by a female director in horror … I even like the fact that SOMEONE is writing (or trying to) an updared feel to a horror standard… but I HATE the content. I will only BARELY give this a ‘horror’ label because it’s (supposed to be) about vampires. Really, it’s more like Transylvania 90210. To make my point, vampires don’t want to love you… they want to EAT YOU. I mean, I love steak, but I sure ain’t gonna go to the fields and make out with the cow. Get me?
As if the movie weren’t bad enough… NOW we get the TV people… how about the OC for vampires, ‘The Vampire Diaries’ …give me a fucking break! I’d rather be ass raped by a bat dipped in broken glass then anally douched with hot sauce that watch that fucking crap. In fact the 2 shows I DID try to watch felt like prison rape of the eyes. I could barely contain my complete and utter distain for this shit fest. I didn’t want to even watch the second episode, but like all things you should give it a couple attempts before writing it off. DONE and DONE- this shit isn’t to grace my TV set anymore…I even can’t watch the commercials. Oh, and I hate everyone that has made this a ‘hit show’ because now that means I get to KEEP seeing this shit. Even in commercial form- it’s too much.
I have to blame books for this though. If it weren’t for the subset of ‘romantic’ vampire novels that have dirtied up the horror sections all over the world then maybe we’d NOT be ass-deep in sparkling vampires. The Zombiequeen calls them ‘Harlequin Vampire Books’. Pretty good name in my opinion. Now, I am KNOWN for being able to watch almost any horror film, good or bad… but this shit is just not …right. I like my Vampires dark, broody, dangerous and COMBUSTABLE IN THE SUN. It’s not too hard to fuck up a vampire story… but Twilight and Vampire diaries: You’re doing a good job of it.
I’m the Zombieking, and I WISH this topic was DEAD to me…