Oh…the Asylum. I so want to love you, with your awesome SyFy movies like Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus…and Mega Piranha… I love your ‘Balls out’ approach when it comes to making a movie that sounds like another movie, like Snakes on a Train, or Battle OF Los Angeles… I just WANT to love you and the crazy shit you do… that’s why I was SUPER excited when I got home to see a small DVD sized package awaiting me. My hands trembled…could this be one of the insane ‘Giant animal’ movies we just don’t get to see easily up here in Canada?!?!? Oh! Maybe it’s the heavily anticipated release of ‘Mega Python vs. Gatoroid’ match up…featuring pop icons Tiffany and Deborah Gibson? Why don’t you guys make ‘Mega Gibson vs. Super Koala!’ or…something, that’d be AWESOME! I ripped the package open… so EXCITED!!!
… aw fuck. It’s an exorcist movie.
Ok, let me explain: I love horror, but I kind of like my horror grounded in some kind of reality, even far fetched reality, and I realize that zombies and aliens and killers from beyond the grave aren’t exactly reality…but I know it’s a movie. Exorcism seem to me to be all made up shit…it’s always some girl, and somehow it’s always possessed by the devil… I doubt that is made up to get attention like some little princess… oh no, that HAS to be real….fuuuuuuuck. but I digress- this is a movie review, not a rant: So when I get something that is purported to be ‘real’ …feh. Putting all that aside, I just don’t normally like movies based on exorcism. Sorry, but I just don’t. I could give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut that some chick can pee on herself and swear and rip her clothes off and grunt and groan like some caged animal…and …hey, wait a minute, this should exactly like a movie I WOULD like! But then I remember, oh yeah…and exorcist movie. Well, fuck it, let me throw it in the DVD player and see what’s what…
I can’t say I liked it… but then again, I am not a good judge of an exorcist movie because I generally don’t like them anyway (with the exception being ‘the Exorcist’ itself).
Those that are really ‘into’ that whole thing may find some merit in this ‘film’ but really it doesn’t hold my interest because it’s really just a bunch of talking inter cut with scenes of the possessed little girl (who is old enough to rip off her clothes it seems…I kinda liked THAT part) Otherwise all the interesting and not interesting parts…kind of drag. Now, if all of a sudden ‘Giganta Tiffany’ kicked in the wall and took on the devil… NOW we’d have a movie! Sequel perhaps?
I think regular readers of the site know of my love for the cheesy fun horror I like at times, and that I have love promoting your craziness to the masses even though we don’t get SyFy here in Canada, and have to wait to get your films.
The Asylum… I feel like this review might just be like ‘farting in front of the cheerleader’. Will we ever get a chance to try again? I hope so…
In keeping with my new ‘rating system’ I’m gonna have to say ‘Meh’. Somebody might like it, just not me.
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